Last Exit to Springfield

Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn. Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three "Highlander" movies. Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer? Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Homer: Bad Man

I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there's too many fat children. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? Jesus must be spinning in his grave! Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work.

• Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.
• Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
• I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.
• I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.

Rosebud

Here's to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life's problems. You don't win friends with salad. Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Dad didn't leave… When he comes back from the store, he's going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…

The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?* Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about! Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work.

1. Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train!
2. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…
3. Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
4. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

Bart the Daredevil

Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?* And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

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